Did i mention...

while i was still trigger happy.
just did my make up and time was around 1235am.
waiting for Cherlene to be done before i cabbed down to pick her up.
damage from cab fare? $38bucks. hur.

Yesterday night was full of drama again. totally hate it. Yesterday we would have been tgt for 2years and 3 months. (or 2 years and 8, counting from then.) 27months of memories. or rather, 4-5 months since we broke up. ytd was my off day, from school, from work. spend the entire afternoon packing my room. didnt know where to start, first thing i picked was the stuff you gave me, packed into a box. re-reading letters, going thru photos. One of the letter signed off with "Happy days together". told myself not to be silly, put the letters back and sealed the box. continue with my packing. room is clean now. just yet to place everyth back to where they belonged. soft toys are going deep at the back of the cupboard. your clothes into the drawer designated for you. gonna throw away your tooth brush. recycled your towel into mine. everyday in this room is a haunting memory of you. playing dota on our laptops tgt, the mindwar games, i slowly won you in them because i understand you and your patterns. trips down to the supermarket in the middle of the night, you piggyback me at my every request. watching movie after movie tgt hiding beneath my blanket. hours and hours spend snuggling tgt. refused to think anymore, got online, only to hear bout you from others. frankly speaking i'm so tired of all these "sightings". i dont have to know them, but they keep coming.

prepared and head down to zouk, told myself i was gonna have a good night regardless. getting friggin high for awhile. super enjoying myself and there and then, you just had to walk in to kill the night. bursting into tears the moment i saw you there. cause it really killed me. our conversation from a week ago. i really hate the drama, hate crying + puking. how many times have we quarreled outside zouk? its just nonsensical. trying to pick a fight with people who have been there for me this period of time is worst. people who know what i've been going through. but no you have not done anyth to make me feel better.

there's no point telling me that everyone can see you still love me, because i dont see what i want to see. change. dont tell me you've changed, if you did it was only for the worst. you know clearly what i want, and you know clearly despite evidently this is hurting me so much, but i'm still willing to take everything in. you should know what to do.

I bet if Edna would ever read this now, she'd laugh, laugh at me for being in such a state, because seems like you did to me what you did to her too. and i'll stay here and laugh at the next girl, because you are you, you'll do the same to her too. you'll keep talking bout me now, just like how i had to endure listening to your stories bout her, slowly, your acts will appear, do shit to her, and then it'd be my turn to laugh. i'll find it hilarious that she'll go thru whatever you did to me to her. then it'd be too late to save your sorry ass.

i'm tired of this game, how many times do i have to put this accross to you that i'm not interested? Go ahead and win, is there a prize to this? we are all losers anyway. just leave me out of it.

chinese songs always make me an emo nemo.

the MV seems like us, the lyrics hit even harder. whenever you sing this song with the guys, i have the urge to tell you this seems like us. so painful.

Cant be bothered with you.

Recently i've been dressing down for school, no particular reason why, doesnt help when your school is in the city area.

bangs grew out, have this bad habit, whenever my hair is at a nice stage i'll go cut it.


and now my fringe is short again. =/
just keep consoling myself that everytime the uncle cuts my hair,
it takes a week for it to grow nicely in shape.

and i've been buying too many denim shorts!

mirror screen protector for the phone arrived!
everyday i wear the 2 coils + wrist strap. but i doubt i'm getting them back. ):

OH MY OH MY. actually i've this large chunk of things to say but i dont wanna blog alr, travis said he's cabbing down to woodlands to chilll with me now!!!!!! cause sean dog gf night so no suppers at thomson. i cant wait for shawn to finish his exams, haven seen that korean boy in weeks. then we can all meet up and annoy the shit out of each other and yet have so much fun! they are the ones that make me feel the safest and warmest. ♥

Such an irony.

Someone just called me spoilt, and that perhaps my life was too simple and i haven been through any rough times.

total ouch.

i thought it was harsh cause, even if i know i've total lack of discipline and i might not be sensible enough, definitely immatured and tons of other stuff. someone who's messed up her life on her own choice. but simple and rough times just dont go well with me. i take my stand that because of the things i've been through, having to lose someone important at a young age, and etc etc, i've a different approach to life. although i feel its unfair, but i know as compared to too many, i'm considered real forturnate. besides i've the tendency to block out stuff i dislike and to only take in the happy and great ones, because deep inside me i really dont wish to suffer blow after blow. and i've had enough of crying. really. especially with all that's been happening recently thus i've been living and doing things that only makes me happy and although its some what wrong living like i cant be bothered with everything else. but its getting me going despite how the consequences turn out adversely sometimes.

sigh, then again i think i'm full of excuses. time to really get on with life.

I'm just a toy, just a possession, never the girl that makes your heartache. do you remember me?

why did you even try to shelter me from this world when you are the one indulging it it, you were the one who showed me such a world exist. if we could all go back, go back and pretend that none of this ever happened, pretend that we never knew a life like this. pretend that when we were still us. would we cease to exist?

dont ask me why i allow them to make use of me. ask yourself why YOU made used of me.

As of now, i'm really late in meeting my mum, i'm supposed to meet her at six. its 6:12pm, and i've not showered. these habits of mine, so damn me, so do you still get into situations like this, and think this was so her?

反正一切来不及, 反正没了自己.

如果没有你 - this song never fails to bring tears to me.

Sem 3 starts officially for me tmr, damn, dreading it like shit, i wont be able to keep up with the going to school everyday routine. i foresee myself skipping school as usual. damnit, why are habits so hard to break. i'm friggin afraid i'll mess school up again. once is enough. altho last sem i had pretty nice results but as compared to my classmates, its nothing. but sigh, no motivation. especially after all the shit that's been happening.

broke down today again, after so long. cried like a mad bitch. cried over the phone. cry and cry and cry. sleep cry sleep cry. whats new? but after a long cry, there's nothing i cant take. they always said i could tank alot. my best skill is to keep everything inside me until i cant take it. all i have to do is to disappear and cry, and i'll pick myself up again. i'll stand again.

literally good girls gone bad. hur. love our escapades.


this is what Sean did. so fucking cute.
the circle mid point is where we'll all meet! cause we couldnt decide who's house to go!
and look at the woodlands point! not fair! i stay the furthest. ):
its like on SLE/CTE! meet in the middle of the high way!
we're having a date tmr night to make sushi! i hope none of us get food poisoning..

i love my friends, really, even if i've to go all the way to changi to pay $50, go for a ride and go home, i still love them. the things they say, the nonsense we do on fb, trying to hit 1k comments. 4 of us bought the Iphone tgt with Shawn the bitch buying the BB!! (i know you'll read this!!!) when i'm at my lowest, all i have to do is to talk to them. even the boys end conversations or texts with "Loves" so fucking adorable.

all i've to do is to leave. with a bitter smile.

your love is all a lie, the things you promised and said were all nothing but empty words. i'm not surprised when i heard those words, perhaps i alr expected you to do this. perhaps i alr knew deep inside. perhaps i was living in denial for too long, perhaps its time for me to wake the fuck up. because of you i will never trust another again. so get the fuck out of my life. i. never. ever. want. to. see. you. again. out everything of yours goes.

mthrffing toy.

I take back everything i wrote in the previous post, everything i ever wrote about you, everything i ever felt bout you, cause you're nothing but one motherfucker who's gonna burn so much that even hell doesnt want you. i cant imagine and neither can you see all the damage i've done to myself all this while for you, the blame i put on myself. never felt so stupid in my life. so stop doing all this crap to me. if you wanna go out with anyone its none of my fucking business but wtf control your bitch. dont do shit to me, dont drag my friend into the picture and how much more do you guys intend to destroy me? why take away my spot, why take away my chances, all i wanted was to drown in it, like you do, everyweek, without any limits or anyone to control anymore. dont take my life away from me, if i lose it, if i have to lose everything like now, i'm taking you with me, you are going down too, afterall you were once my everything.

Pointless

i think i really need help..

i thought i was picking up properly, going in the right directions. had someone there to guide me, studied with joel for my exams, had proper grades, had my friends, went out with them endlessly, smiled like an idiot to myself. but once the holidays started, all i've been doing is digging and digging a grave too big for me.

i thought i could do better, i know i would be happier without the relationship, sadly no, not without you, just without all that endless heartaches. i was happier for awhile, learning to pick myself up, learning to be strong. learning to stand on my own. i had a chance at it. but i blew it, started messing with my own life. now i'm neither here nor there, i dont know what i want anymore, i dont know what is happy anymore. i dont know who i am anymore.

you were right, without you, this is how i'll become. and that i only want the best out of everything, pretending not to see the bad, but it doesnt mean it does not exist. and i cannot avoid it for long.

when i see couples on the train, i get reminded of too many things, i see couples who look seemingly compatible, the way they act, the way they dress, the way they are into the same type of things. i knew we were like this, looking like we were right for each other, i always thought of it as this way. but too many things killed us. too many things i wished you never'd to me. too many things i never understood, too many things i never knew, too many i had to find out on my own. too many trust i gave and broken. i dont wish to talk bout it anymore. sorry but this is just me, i block out everything that i cant handle.

-via fuckyeahqaf

i know the reasons i gave are really stupid, but i mean them regardlessly. i dont deserve you, i dont deserve anyone at this point. too many things i've been doing that i cant keep up, if you knew you'd not accept me for who i am anymore. cause even i myself cant figure if thats me or not. and that it really hurt that things has to turn out this way. i know perfectly where you are coming from. i know what you can do, i know. but dont be like them, dont, because i dont want you to leave like how one day they all will. i'm sorry i'm selfish. i know each time i disappear for awhile and i appear back each time i'm down and out, when i'm wrenched beyond hope, i turn up and expect you to dry my tears and let me cry my eyes out. you've seen me at my worse and yet it keeps occurring. i know it shouldnt be this way. i dont want to lead anyone on. i dont have the ability to handle anyth or anyone at this moment. i cant go on and ask you to watch my back while i go out there and hurt myself, go out there and indulge in the mess. but i really wish to just go on, tire myself out. and let everything fall. i keep getting hurt by the same type of ppl but i dont want to stop, its like i'm sick in the head. i dont want to lose you, because i cherish you alot as a friend. this is a plea.

i'm mentally prepared all this nonsense will end sooner or later. in fact too many a times i wish it was over now. its not what i was looking for, definitely not what you wanted, i never knew things will go up to this level, or am i the one who is thinking too much? but why now? why at this point when things are seemingly fine, you drop such a bomb, such a warning, why wake me up now? i know one day you'll leave when you got what you wanted, this is such a killjoy. i thought we understood where we were going but apparently i dont understand what you do. i dont know what you want out of this. just go will you?